So Tense…

What am I babbling on and on about in this episode? Not sleeping. The fact that  I’m not sleeping because I’m a neurotic basket case! 

Today I discuss the fact that I simply cannot relax. I am a tense ball of crazy 24/7. It’s absolutely ridiculous! 

I am happy, healthy and am my own boss. I have a healthy family, great friends and a lovely home. I am so thankful. Blessed. Yet I cannot settle my mind down enough to sleep? 

I talk about my thoughts on this along with all kinds of random nonsense… 

Transcript

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Hello and welcome to another episode of The Ramblings of an Insomniac. I am Courtney. Good morning, good afternoon, and good evening to everybody out there, everybody from every country. Hello and welcome. I appreciate you. I genuinely I feel like I want to see um sing that Mr. Rogers song. You know, won't you be my neighbor? Hello, neighbor. But honestly, wasn't Mr. Rogers the best? He was like cool before he even knew he was cool. He was woke and uh he was woke before woke was a thing. Just kidding, it was just tolerance. He was just a good thing, it's called just being a normal, decent, tolerant, good human being. Right? Before I get into all that, I have a tendency of being like, hello, welcome to a rant to the um another episode of the Ramblings of an Insomniac, and then I just start like again, no foreplay, no foreplay. I just get like right into it. I gotta stop. I gotta ease into it a bit. Everything I do is just kind of like balls to the wall. I walk fast, I talk fast, I want to drive fast, I clean fast. Everything I do is just like uh. I went to a chiropractor and he was like, Oh my god, you are like you are concrete. I've never, he's like, you are so tense. And I'm a nice person, I love people, I love um animals, I love nature. I just have gone through a lot in my life, and so um, like I've talked about again in many, many of my podcasts before, when you grow up in a really um dysfunctional household, and you grow up seeing and being around the things that I have, um you start to just you are always tense because you are genuinely waiting for something to happen and you have to be on guard. You have to be on guard, you have to keep yourself safe, you have to make sure that you know you gotta watch the door, you gotta watch the windows, you gotta, you know, keep those covers pulled up, you know. So um you become observant, you are hyper-aware of your surroundings and who is in them and what they look like, and you keep tabs on where things are and you know the exits and just the people, you know, and what's normal. I I'm very good at observing what's normal and what's out of place. Like I love those, those uh pardon me, excuse me. You know, I think it was like highlights, you'd get them in like the doctor's offices, like dentists and doctor's offices, and it was like a magazine for kids where they're like, what's the difference between the two pictures? Like they'll put two pictures and they'll be like, find the differences, you know, or the things that are out of place. Like, I love detective work, I notice those things, and I think that happens a lot with people that have had like some type of abuse or grew up around, you know, maybe not the best um life, the best home life and stuff. So you just learn to be aware of your surroundings and observant and observant. I meant to say, excuse me, sorry, I keep I'm gonna put you on pause for a moment. Oh, goodness, I didn't want to keep snotting. That's not sexy. Again, I say this all the time, but oh my god, it always reminds me of the episode of Friends where Phoebe has a cold and then suddenly she has a sexy voice and she's like, stinky shoes, my stinky shoes. And she gets all into it, and then she her cold goes away and she's healthier, and she's then Monica gets a cold and she's trying to like get Monica's cold so that she can have her sexy voice back. Yeah, I don't have that. It's not a sexy voice, it's just sounds like a I sound like emphasema like Connie, Connie, give me my cigarettes, Connie. You know. Um, anyway, hello. I am still trying to work out, you know, the beginning of this. Again, no intro, no outro. If you're new, check out my um earlier podcasts, my older podcasts. They have an intro and an outro. I'm so professional. So professional. No, I'm really not. It's not, it's still not professional at all. It just happens to have an intro and an outro. But hi, welcome again. Welcome, everybody of all countries. I'm seeing so many people that are tuning in, and I'm like, what? Like today, I about peed my pants. I honest to God was like, no. Uh-uh. And I checked like over and over again because I kept thinking that there was a mistake or something was wrong. And I'm like, what? I had like 300 downloads. 300 downloads today, just today. Again, I understand that that's not, you know, Joe Rogan. I get that that's not Theo Vaughn. I get that that's not the Chrislies, you know, but I'm just a little of me that doesn't do any advertising whatsoever, and I'm kicked off of X. And so the only way people can hear about me, the only way people can hear about me is through you guys, which means you guys have been kicking ass and telling people about me, which means you fucking rock. And I genuinely, it means the world to me. It really, really does. I love that. Like, I was so surprised, and um gosh, I am having problems. I was so surprised and I was like, what? That's freaking awesome! I was so excited. So thank you guys again. I know you have so many options there. Every single person, everyone and their mom, everyone and their cousin and aunt and uncle has a podcast, and that's awesome. We all have something to say. We all have a point of view that we would like to share. It's options, right? America has a lot of options. We do, we have a lot of food options, we have a lot of housing options, we have a lot of podcast options. I mean, not just America, but um, a lot of options, and that's something I want to talk about that I'm feeling super grateful for, and that is options. I love come come come lib. Yes, yes, good come. Um, I love having the option right now of what I want to pursue the most. And you know, I can do the mobile grooming and um the mobile dog and pet sitting. I can continue that. I can continue that and well, I couldn't do the mobile and uh come come come. Um, I mean I couldn't do mobile grooming and my boarding, I'd have to have someone stay do the boarding part of it, and I'd have to go out and groom. So um, but that's back in play. It's back in play again to have um a very exclusive um boarding facility where I'd have anywhere from like um probably like seven, seven to nine kennels. I don't like even numbers, even numbers bug me. And so I uh I want like a small private kennel where I can really focus on the dogs. I can give them a lot of one-on-one, and everything will be there'll be indoor play area and there'll be a fully covered outdoor play area where dogs can't escape. It'll have be fully covered for rain and sun, and then um to get to it, it'll be like a breezeway, and that breezeway will be enclosed, a fully enclosed breezeway. Meaning anytime I take the dogs out to go play, they won't have to go outside where they can escape. It's all enclosed, so everything will be, and even the area where the dogs would be, there'll be like a corridor to where if a dog accidentally escaped, there's a corridor between the office and where the dogs are. So um, you know, I that's back on the table. And let me tell you, I'm excited about that because then I can just be home and play with animals, and I can um if I wanted to, I could use those kennels for me. Like I don't if I want to go on vacation, I just wouldn't book dogs. I wouldn't book dogs for that week or that those couple of days or whatever it was. And if um the nice thing is, I could also use those kennels for my dogs. That's why I want a couple of extra. So that um if I want to go somewhere for just like the day for you know, out to the river and I can't bring all my dogs. Well, they'll have a super awesome area for them where they can chill out inside, outside, play area, totally enclosed, all the things. I mean, right now they already kind of have that, so I could just leave them in my house. But I just mean so I'm I'm mulling it over and I'm going through a lot of stuff. And the nice thing is I've had so many customers that are like, oh my god, if you do that, please, please, please contact me because I want to be on your wait list. And so I'm so blessed. I'm feeling I just it's a weird feeling to be happy. I know that sounds shitty. I don't mean that I'm always looking for the negative. I don't mean to say I'm always sitting here being a grumpy old lady where I'm just sitting there going and on my porch, like whittling with my platoon, and I'm spitting into my platoon, whittling with my shotgun. No, I I just mean I'm usually so um, I'm always thinking, oh my god, things are going well, so that means something really bad is gonna happen. Because more often than not, that's what's happened to me in my life. For any one good thing that happens, like three bad things will happen. And I'm not saying that in a pity party way, I'm not saying that it is a woe-wis me victimhood way. I'm just saying, so it's hard for me. Also, again, growing up in the uh environment that I've grown up in and the things I've seen and witnessed and been around, it's hard for me to relax. It's very, very it's genuinely hard for me to relax. And I know a lot of people are like, oh yeah, you know, I get I get stressed, I get tense. Everybody gets anxiety, everybody gets stressed, everybody gets tense. This is beyond that. Again, my show is called The Ramblings of an Insomniac, and the insomniac part is is true. I've always had an extraordinarily hard time, a very difficult time sleeping and relaxing because again, I'm so scared to let my guard down. I have experienced so many things that I feel like when my guard is down, nothing good comes of it. Anytime I relax, something happens, and so I am just always searching, I'm always looking around, being like, okay, who's gonna come at me? Who's gonna come at me? Not only that, but I've had family members and partners and friends and co-workers and um bosses, people that I got close to, people that I trusted, people that I got very close to and let my guard down around and talked to them about things and and trusted them and you know, just finally let my guard down and really trusted them, and I gave them my all, especially like my coworkers and my bosses. You know, I would work my butt off. I would work my ass off, and I've been fucked over, I've been stabbed in the back, and then I've had my own, you know, I've told this story before about my great aunt. Um, I was in the will, and it's a very long story, but she was the executor of the will, and um apparently there was a lien against my grandparents' home, which is absolute bullshit because they owned it outright, and uh my grandparents were the most hard workers. My grandfather, um, his family actually, um we have documentation of this. I can be a part of the daughters of the revolution. Um, my grandfather um was in World War II, he was decorated, and he helped his family members helped with the Underground Railroad. Um, my family comes from knights, lawyers, and farmers and inventors. And um they are all my father, my grandfather was a farmer and an inventor, and um they were both incredibly intelligent people. My father was quite literally a genius, like actually took all the tests and was a genius. He had an incredibly high IQ, and my point to that is they paid their bills, they worked incredibly hard to get their home, they owned it, and my great aunt, there's a lean against it apparently from the state of Washington, even though my um grandmother had hospice care in her home for like a couple of months, um, it was like three months, and um, and then my grandfather was only in a nursing home for like a year, year and a half, and I know they had insurance, but the there was a lien put against them, and the place their house um was in my name. And um, my grandparents and I were extraordinarily close, very, very, very, very close. Back before the internet, I called them religiously. I also wrote them letters by hand with a pen and my own hand, not typed, not you know, sent an email. I wrote them letters. I went and saw them every spring break and Christmas break. I stayed with my grandparents. They left me their home. My great aunt, so my grandma's sister, um, was the executor of the will. She's like, hey, you better sign these papers over so that the house is over to me because I'm going to pay the lien and then the house will be mine. And I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa, back up. The house is mine. Maybe I can pay the lien. Maybe I can figure out something. And anyway, she did all this shady crap. And so people in my family, my own family, have screwed me over. And I've learned, you know, um, friends have offered to help me, and I'm like, no, thank you. I'm too prideful for that. Plus, I don't want to owe anyone, I don't want to be in debt to anyone, I don't want anyone holding it over my head. And I had a friend who was like, I promise you, I just want to help you. You will not owe me any money. And if you want to pay me back someday, okay, but there's no limit on when you have to pay me back and you don't even have to pay me back. And I'm like, nope, nope, nope. Kept saying no. I was like, nope, not mixing friendship and money. That's horrible, horrible, horrible. And he's like, No, I swear, I just want to help you out. I was a single mom trying to go back to school. I wanted to be a nurse, I was working full-time, he was making money. We were like brother and sister, we walked with each other at graduation. He was one of my best friends. We would talk for hours on the phone, and we we tried to be boyfriend, girlfriend, and it just didn't work. We're just friends. But he insisted, I must have told him 20 times, no. And I kept telling him it's just not gonna turn out. You're gonna, you know, want the money. I don't think I'm ever gonna be able to pay you back until I become a nurse, and that's gonna be a while. And he's like, I swear to God, I won't act weird. I don't want your money. So finally, finally, I was like, okay, thank you so much. And I'm like, Are you sure? Because again, don't know when I'll be able to pay you back. It's gonna be a long time, probably not until I become a nurse. You know, I'm a single mom, I'm living paycheck to paycheck, and you know, that's why I need this. And he's like, No, I just want to help you out. You're my friend, blah, blah, blah and I know you can do it. And I was like, Wow, that's so amazing, yada yada. Fast forward to like eight months later, I was going to school. Um, not eight months later, I wasn't going to school. I actually enrolled like uh a month later. Went to school. Um, so I was going to school part-time and also working and had two kids and um going to school. And then um he had called me and I'd have been in school for a while. And he called me and he's like, Hey, are you in school? Are you enrolled? And I'm like, Yeah, it's great. I'm, you know, I'm getting a tutor in math, and you know, I'm trying, and blah, blah. And he's like, okay, cool. Are you gonna be able to pay me back? And I was like, you know, remember, I I want to pay you back. I I plan on it one, you know, one day, yeah, but you know, right now I'm going to school. And he's like, Oh, okay. Well, then school got out. And keep in mind, now school was over and I was getting ready to re-register, but I had to figure out what classes I was gonna take and how that was gonna work around my kids. So I was doing that, and he calls me, and this is probably like two months later, and he's like, Hey, are you still doing school? And I'm like, Yeah, I'm waiting to enroll, you know, I'm finished with this semester, trim, no, this trimester or semester is I can't remember what it is in college now. This was just a community college. And he's like, Oh, you're not in school, and I'm like, Oh, I'm just doing my classes. I'm trying to figure out how to do it around work and how to get my kids and who's gonna be watching them and stuff. And so I'm trying to figure out what I need and how to rearrange that. But yeah, I'm I'm I'm working on enrolling. And he's like, But you're not in school now, and I was like, Well, I just got out of school. Um, now I just finished. Now I'm, you know, and anyways, he started being weird, started being a real asshole about it, started demanding money and getting mad that I wasn't enrolled yet. And I'm like, dude, I I just got out of school. It's been like three weeks. Can you give me a second? I'm still going. Because I think he thought I just took the money and wasn't using it. And I was like, look, I can show you like the classes, I can show you. I'm sitting here, I've got it in front of me. I'm trying to figure out how to, you know, I'm a single mom. I can't just I can't just go. I have to see what classes I can go to and when they are, and babysitters, you know, it's been like three weeks. Give me a second. So I'm just used to people, and then we didn't talk, we got in a huge fight. He started accusing me of a ton of stuff, um, started saying that I just used him for the money, and that I wasn't using the money for what he gave it to me for. And I was like, well, remember, I already finished the first trimester, and it's been like a couple of weeks. I'm enrolling, so I don't know what you're talking about. And he just really stabbed me in the back and freaked the fuck out. And so I think I'm always tense. You guys thought, you thought, I know what you guys thought. You thought, oh god, she doesn't know what she's talking about anymore. She went off the rails, going off the rails in a crazy train. On a crazy train? Uh going off anyway. Oh, Ozzy, rest in peace. Kelly, I'm worried about Kelly. I don't think we should put Kelly down. I think we need to um say, hey Kelly Osborne, what's going on? And not like be mean. That was rude. But anyway, uh-uh-a! Come, come, come, come. Good girl, Rosie. Yes. So, anyway, um, I'm always anxiety ridden and tense and looking for what's gonna happen. And I'm, you know, I if I don't bring my phone with me and I'm like, oh my god, oh my god, I don't have my phone with me, who's gonna get what's gonna happen? And because that's happened to me before, the one fucking time I'm like, I'm just gonna go enjoy myself, I'm not gonna bring my phone so that I can just have peace and quiet for a second, I'm gonna go walk on the beach, and it'll be great, and I'll have some time. And I was gone for like an hour and a half, and in that time I missed a million phone calls from my mom because my dad wasn't doing well, and I'm like, are you fucking kidding me? So this is why. Like, I just and so again, I did a podcast about this a while back about how I'm still not sleeping, even though everything's going really well. I'm happy, I'm healthy. My family is happy and healthy. Um, I have support, I have awesome support and awesome people around me. I have um so many options on what way to go. I'm my own boss, I work for myself and I get to work by myself with no co-workers, which is lovely. I'm outside again right now listening to birds, listening to people working on their yards, listening to, well, I'm out in the country, but but um, there's some people working on their yards, watching two dogs on the prowl for I think a rabbit. And so I am I'm feeling insanely fortunate. But it is so hard for me to feel that because I'm like, oh fuck though. I'm feeling better than I have in a while, and every time that happens, that happens periodically where I'm just kicking ass in life. In my 30s, I was like, when I turned 30, I was looking good, best shade of my life, looked better than ever, competence, not cocky, but competent, had an amazing job. Um things were just fucking kicking ass for me, and it was going great, and then all of a sudden everything stopped, and everything got so sideways, and you know, I'm like, okay, and then you get through it, and I'm still having so much PTST over my mom. I can't. Sleep at night because all I think about and obsess upon is the way my mom died and how I feel it 100% could be could have been prevented, and I'm the one that made her come live, um come live up here with me. I did that. I don't know. I have so much guilt, and then I have all this stupid worry that I can't be happy because if I'm happy something bad's gonna happen. And then like, so what am I supposed to do? Just be miserable my whole life because I'm scared that something's bad. Because it's also been my um, it's also been um I can't talk. I've I've also noticed that even if I'm miserable, bad things happen. So then I'm like, Courtney, it doesn't matter what your mood is, your mood doesn't dictate the universe. That's God's job, you know, or whatever you believe in. I certainly don't dictate what happens, I though, although, again, like I've talked about in many podcasts, energy is a big thing. Girls come. Yes, and what you put out there, like those dream boards, those vision boards, they say there's actually a lot of science to back up that the energy that you put out is real and really can dictate your life, you know, like those self-fulfilling prophecy kind of things. Just like the whole grounding thing. Take off your shoes, run around barefoot and feel the ground, feel the grass. It's healing, and they're proving with science that it's healing. I run around barefoot all the time. I love it, nothing like it. I'm a Taurus and um I'm an earth sign, so I'm earth, I'm grounded. And that is again, I've said this a million times, but the times I can sleep are when I'm camping. When I've been in a tree house out in Belize in the middle of the jungle, and there were tarantulas and geckos and snakes, and I didn't give a shit. I was like, I could sleep. I could sleep when I go camping because I'm out in nature. I used to sleep outside a lot, although I lived in a city when I was younger that wasn't the safest. I mean, I didn't live, you know, my parents were like upper middle class, I guess middle class. I'd say not upper middle class, but middle class. We certainly weren't poor. Um, but we weren't rich either, so middle class, and we lived in a decent neighborhood. But I've talked about this on my podcast before we did have a gal, still remember her name, Tammy Brown. She was a foster. These poor people, they've they were her foster parents and they tried so hard, but she was a pyro. She liked to set things on fire, that girl. And uh one day she decided to um go around to every other home and spray paint 666 on the side of everybody's houses. And then she decided to set some driveways on fire by pouring some gasoline down and setting it on fire. One of those homes was mine. She put 666 on it, set it on fire. I was like nine years old and I was home by myself, and it was pretty late at night. Um, I honestly don't remember what time, I just remember it being very dark out and stuff, and um, yeah, so that was fun. But so I would sleep outside though sometimes because that is what that was the only way I could sleep. It was the only way I felt just at peace. And that's also again why I like to do my podcasts on my phone. I can't, I don't like feeling cooped up. Um I don't like come come come lib yes, good, come, good, come, Rosie, good. Um, well, I mean, I don't mind like cubicles and stuff like that, you know, um, but I just I need to feel the earth. I'm a very grounded, nature-y person. That's why I like to say I'm a conservative hippie. I like to roll around in the grass, I like to chase butterflies and bugs. I love to, especially from the photography's point of view and doing macro photography, I love getting into tall grass and you know, seeing the bugs, and I love getting dirty. God, I would spend so many hours at my grandparents' house just playing in the mud, and my poor grandma, I would get in her garden and get mud, and I'd ruin not on purpose, I didn't mean to, I just wanted mud and wanted dirt, I wanted dirt to make mud, and so I would get it out of her garden and sometimes ruin her. She had an immaculate, beautiful garden, and um um I don't know, it's just nature. Come on, come on, Libby, come, Libby. Sorry, got sidetracked by a UPS driver. Um, anyway, I very much um come here girls. Good graty. Now I don't know what I was talking about because I had to pause for a while, so these kiddos didn't go after the UPS driver. Um oh, grounded in nature. I just highly suggest I think dogs have it going on, they just roll around in the grass. They roll around and they don't give a shit. You know, they're a dog, so of course they're not gonna care. But maybe we should do that. What if we all just went around and rolled around in the grass? I say we should do it. I say we all go outside in the summer and roll around in the grass. I rolled down hills with my grandson. Um there's a park and it's nice and grassy and um it's on a hill, and I showed him how to roll down it. He thought it was the coolest freaking thing ever. And so we started rolling down hills, and I'm like, I know, it's fun, right? It's pretty great. So I am just uh I'm being a weirdo because I I want to enjoy my life. I I hate sitting here constantly looking over my shoulder and saying, Oh god, you know, and freaking out thinking that someone or something is gonna come and get me. You know, it's like the monsters under the bed. I don't know, it's weird. Like I'm happy and I'll catch myself being happy, and I'll be like, Yeah, life is good, and I'll be smiling and being like zippity-do-da, zippity, my oh my, what a wonderful day, and I'll be all skipping and you know, and then I catch myself and I'm like, oh fuck, I can't, I can't be this happy, I just can't. Rosie come, but I'll catch myself and I'm like, oh Courtney, you're getting too excited, you're a little too happy, and we all know what happens when you relax. The boogeyman come out, you know. And what a fucked up way to live. Like, that's no way to live. I am I don't want to be this way. Again, it's not a misery love company thing. I'm not trying to bring other people down. I hope to god nobody else does this. I hope nobody else feels this way because it sucks and it's hard, and I don't want to be tense all the time. You know, I don't want to always be like, you know, my jaw constantly hurts. I have migraines all the time because I am well not sleeping, but also my jaw, my dentist, and my chiropractor are like, my god, like you are like concrete and your jaw is clenched and your teeth are worn flat. And I don't want to be that way. It's a horrible way to live. And I'm happy and I'm grateful and I'm thankful. I'm not complaining at all. In fact, I feel so fortunate, I feel so blessed for so many things. I don't know. I don't want to take medication because it's there are just too many side effects, and I don't want to support big farm. And again, I'm if you take medication, I'm nothing, nothing against that. Um, you do you, you do what's best for you. Um, I'm not knocking medication, I just rather do things naturally, and people are like, I haven't done anything naturally, so um I've been working on breathing. Sorry, I'm going up that hill again. Um, I've been working on stretching and breathing. That helps a lot. Um that always helps. And staying off of social media. Um, I'm not saying I'm never gonna go on it again, um, but trying to, I haven't been on it for quite a while now. It's been lovely. But I've been staying off there so that I can stay in a more positive mindset. So I'm taking strides and it's helping. Now, when I sleep, I'm in a very deep sleep, which is a huge step forward. Usually I'm if I am sleeping, it's a very light sleep. So this is nice, it's a step forward, and I could be doing more, you know. I certainly could be doing more. Oh, winded. Anyway, I'm fortunate, I'm happy, I'm grateful. I am um not complaining, I'm not trying to be misery love's company because I'm super happy. I am having choices, having options. I could even retire now if I want to. Um I'm in that kind of position right this moment, um, but I don't want to. I'm a worker. I'm not really a I'm too antsy. Now, granted, you know, if I stay home, there's lots of things I could do. It's not like I have to stay in bed and you know, lay in bed all the time. You know how much of a bitch I am, by the way, speaking of laying in bed all the time. This is how much of a douche I am sometimes. So, you know the movie Um Willy Wonka and the chocolate and the chocolate factory? Um, I can't stand his grandparents. I mean, isn't that horrible? It bothers. Okay, this is what's terrible. I want to preface this by saying I respect the elderly more than anyone on earth. I will go above and beyond for an elderly person. They are the only people on earth that can treat me like shit, and I'll still be kind and I'll still be respectful. I was a CNA for many moons, I was a housekeeper and receptionist for um assisted living and memory care facilities. And um, so I want to start by saying that, and I am a huge proponent again why I started this podcast was basically because I think that the elderly are treated like garbage, and we should do elderly and the vet and their veterans are just treated like garbage, and we need to do a lot more. So I want to say that first, okay. Uh it really bothers the fork out of me that um the grandparents on Willy Wonk on the chocolate factory. I'm like, you're telling me you can't get out of bed at all. You're so feeble-minded you can't get out of bed. Yet the minute that Willie gets the golden ticket, you're suddenly spry as a freaking 10-year-old. You're telling me that all of a sudden you can pop out of bed and like they're all stuck in a room. I don't know. That whole movie bothers the shit out of me. I hate it. I hate that movie so much. It's so bizarre. I again, I've talked about this a trillion times, but I'm not really a fan of um fantasy. I don't I love Halloween because I know that people that are dressing up are aware that they aren't those characters and that they are just dressing up. But like I again, I've talked about this a lot, so I won't I won't continue to harp on it, but I'm just so sciencey brained that I never liked magic because all I would do is be like, oh, let me try to debunk this. Let me try to figure it out. So it didn't impress me at all because I was like, Well, I know it's not real. I know for a fact that magic is not real, so therefore it doesn't impress me. And then same with like, you know, I couldn't stand characters that are dressed up as stuff. Like when you go to Disneyland and there's like this six-foot-tall um duck wearing clothes walking upright, I'm like, what the fuck? Ducks do not wear clothes, they don't walk upright. Well, ducks do, actually, that's a bad example. Okay, a dog or a mouse. Um, I'm like, mice don't wear dresses, they don't walk upright, and they aren't like, you know, six foot five. So what the hell? And they don't have gigantic eyes. And I'm like, so what the fuck is this? So even when I was a kid, I wasn't gonna sit on Santa Claus's lap because I'm like, I don't know you, I don't know who the fuck you are, I don't know where you've been. I'm not sitting on your lap from a very young age. I have a picture of me crying on Santa Claus's lap. I have a picture of me crying next to Winnie the Pooh, a picture of me crying next to Minnie and Mickey Mouse and Chippendale. Because I'm like, why the fuck do you keep standing me next to these six-foot-tall, uh walking upright animals with clothes that is creepy and weird? And I knew even at a young age that wasn't normal, I wasn't enamored by it. I was like, what the hell? And I don't like, I never liked watching a lot of like um cartoons. Um, the kids that I would, the the programs I would watch were more things like Mr. Rogers, you know, um lamb chop, that kind of stuff. Um and or like if it was cartoons, it was more like science-y kind of cartoons. Like my kids would watch a magic school bus, even though I knew they couldn't go into a body, and that part bugged me because I was like, I'm just too like, if it's not real, I don't like it. I like reality, so I like reality shows. I like documentaries, I like nonfiction. I mean, excuse me, I like um, yeah, I like nonfiction. Um, I like reality stuff, I like documentaries, I like biographies, that kind of stuff. I'm fascinated by people. When I know that it's bogus, I'm like, yeah, that it doesn't impress me. David Blaine is one of the only magicians that I'm like, huh. I love him because I'm like, I can't. I I got nothing. I don't, I don't know. I don't know what you're doing, man, but it's cool. I mean, I know it's still magic, but it it impresses me. I'm like, I know it's not real, but dang, that's cool. You got me, you got me, dude. So I do like him. So shout out to David Blaine, you fucking rock. You know who else rocks? You don't look around. Don't look around. I'm talking to you. You rock. You're amazing. I honest to God cannot believe how excited I am that people are actually listening. They're listening to my gibber jabber. I'm just on here gibbering, never knowing what the hell I'm talking about. One minute I'm screaming and yelling, the next minute I'm bawling my eyeballs out, and then I'm winded and I'm, you know. Now you're hearing dogs drinking water in the background, you know. I just, and yet, in spite of all of those things, you are still listening. That's amazing. Treat yourself to a little something. Do a little something, something for yourself today. You know, treat yourself to something. And I hope that you continue to listen. I hope that you weren't like, ah, I listened to once, I listened to you once, and I'm good. You can check me out on YouTube, although I haven't been posting a whole lot because like I said, I just keep getting banned. I don't know why there are people out there threatening people's lives and they don't get banned, but you know, whatever. Um, so you can check me out technically on Instagram and TikTok and Clapper. I have a big following on Clapper, so shout out there, and YouTube, but um I'm not doing a lot of stuff on social media these days because I just get censored. But that wouldn't happen if everybody would start tuning in, maybe you could like and subscribe my videos. That would be awesome. I know I keep asking you for stuff. You're like, man, I did not want to listen to your podcast and have homework. I didn't want homework. You don't have to do it, you don't have to do anything. I'm not your boss. You do you. But thank you. Thank you so much. I really appreciate it. I hope you have a wonderful rest of your day. Until next time.