House Of Cards…

What’s been preventing me from counting sheep? Deceit. Lies. Manipulation. I feel like life is just a  house of cards? 

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hello, and welcome to another episode of the Ramblings of an Insomniac. I am Courtney. Hello! Good morning, good morning. It's been it's been a while. I have had man. To say I have had a lot going on would be the understatement of the century, actually. That's not dramatic. It's really not. It's it's a true factual statement. It has been an absolute insane whirlwind of uh of a month, but particularly of um the last couple of days. I think if I wrote a bestseller right now, I could. I could write a bestseller right now, a true story, bestseller of my life. Um what am I trying to say? I haven't slept, you guys. When I say ramblings of an insomniac, this podcast is really, really going to give you a clue as to why I named it that. It's incredibly appropriately named. I am beyond mushbrain right now. I have not slept in so effing long. I was up for like 38 hours straight. And then uh prior to that, I had only got three hours of sleep. After I was up for 36 hours, I got two hours of sleep. Um, and then last night I got about three hours of sleep. So I am running on absolutely nothing. On top of that, I have really no appetite. I am having to like make myself eat. I don't know how I'm upright. I really don't. I think it's out of sheer pissed-off stubbornness. I think anger is keeping me upright. Oh, I think shock is keeping me upright. I don't know. I'm gonna title this episode House of Cards. It's a very appropriate name. Have you ever noticed, like, when people, you know that saying, oh, what a tangled web we weave when we practice to deceive? I may not have got it, you know, verbatim, but you know what quote I'm talking about, right? That's like that's the mantra for this. Uh the title's gonna be House of Cards, and the motto, the mantra, I don't know, whatever you want to call it, is going to be, oh, what a tangled web weave. Because deceit is running amok. Deceit seems to be just running itself up and down the streets, hooping and hollering, having a great fucking time. Right? Everywhere we look, someone seems to be up to no good. There are a lot of shady mofos out there, and it's sad. I've been trying and trying and trying to be a glass half-full kind of gal. I've been trying to focus on everything that is good, and it works because there are a lot of good things in this world, and there are a lot of great people in this world. There are a lot of kind, compassionate people. But holy cow, what has gone, what happened? Because not only am I seeing deceit and corruption and backstabbing and lying with politicians, but I'm experiencing, I'm experiencing oh, I cannot talk. I am experiencing, golly, what's my problem today? I'm seriously that tired, you guys. I am I'm gonna sound like a drunk sailor. I cannot form sentences. I'm so fucking tired, I cannot even tell you. But I uh I just don't understand what's going on because I am experiencing firsthand all of those things: the lying, the deceit, the backstabbing. And when it comes from people that you really are supposed to trust, you know, like your family or a significant other, it hits you a lot harder. Because you don't expect it, you know. You expect it from a stranger, you expect it from a politician. You don't like it, of course. It doesn't make it easier. But when deceit and lies and backstabbing and cheating and all of that, if it comes from your loved one, your family, oh God, that kills you. And I don't know what it is, but for some reason my life has kind of been surrounded. Well, I can't I can't play the martyr. I've made choices. I've made choices of who my partners are gonna be. A lot of women have this thing in their minds that they can change someone, you know, like men are projects. I don't know why we look at men like projects. Why would we want a project? They're not our hobby. When you have a project, it's a hobby. It's something that you work on and then you complete, right? Humans should not be projects that you're trying to change and work on and manipulate. Sure, we should, you know, change we could change some things for each other. We can change some things for our significant others or our family members. You know, maybe there is stuff about us that we're like, you know, I don't like this about me. There's some things I'd like to work on. But it's weird because a lot of women love to pick a man. I'm not speaking for every woman at all. I'm saying there are a lot of women that like to pick men that are broken, and then we're really shocked and awed when we get a broken man. And that's on us, really, because we knew what we were getting, right? We knew, we chose it, but it still doesn't stop it from hurting because a lot of times that person agrees to the change. They're like, you're right. I want to change, I want this. I'm not doing it for you, I'm doing it for us. So you think, fantastic, let's work on some things together, let's work on us. So it's sad when you put a lot of time and energy into someone and you put a lot of trust into someone, and then you get smacked in the face. It stings, right? And I could write a novel on my life about this. I've had this happen with family members and I've had it happen with partners. And again, I you know, what's that? Fool me once, shame on me. Or no, fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me. Or as George Bush Jr., however he mangles it. So, you know, my bad if I don't learn my lesson, right? But when you really think that someone has changed, and you really think that someone is saying and doing all the right things, and you get invested, and you take all of your time and all of your energy to dedicate to someone, and then it ends up just kind of blowing up, kinda knocks you down a bit, you know. So, politicians seem to be doing the same as usual. I mean, this has been going on since politics were a thing, right? I mean, people have been betraying each other since humans came into the world. It's weird. We're such a barbaric we're so barbaric, you know. I don't know. I don't understand. I don't understand. I think that we're so barbaric and um I just don't get it. We are just the most barbaric people. I mean, we used to put people down in like a pit and force a lion or force another gigantic human to like, you know, give them sticks and watch them beat each other. Like we used to watch people fight to the death for sport. This was just like a sporting event. People would watch violence just for, you know, while eating grapes. It's weird because people are so jaded now. It seems that no one's really shocked by violence anymore. People are saddened by it. People care, of course. Although I don't even know if that's true anymore. Do people care? I don't know. It doesn't seem like it. I haven't seen a lot of it. I mean, I have, like I said, I did a podcast where I was dog sitting and I was in a different neighborhood, and people were so friendly and smiling, and you know, have a blessed day and looking at you in the eyes. And it was happy. I felt like it was a cartoon where, you know, like Snow White and all these birds are singing and you know, chirping, and but man, I just see also so much hate, so much violence, and then so much support and encouragement of that violence and hate. I don't understand why we are encouraging people to unalive each other because we have a different political belief, because we have a different religious belief. I had someone post on Facebook today all these comments that someone made when apparently someone got stabbed in a laundromat. And there were a bunch of really horrible comments about it. And I was like, yes, this along with all of the millions of comments that were made about Charlie Kirk and the attempts on President Trump's life, and all of the comments that have been made about Trump supporters. Why are people resorting to unaliving someone because they don't like what they have to say? Whatever happened to, I don't know, making a change? Whatever happened to, I don't know, peace and trying to change through bills and legislation and trying to get involved. You know, if you educate yourself on these topics, that is a really good way to start change. To actually educate yourself instead of just hearing what someone else has to say. God knows I've been guilty of it. I'm not saying this on my soapbox. I'm not saying these things because I'm up on my high horse thinking that I am just the shit. No, I've also been judgmental and you know, spoke out of ignorance. Of course. I have said some hateful things. I'm a human and I have, and I've apologized though. I've not made excuses. I don't make excuses. I apologize, and when I apologize, I mean it. That's why I'm not gonna apologize if I don't mean it. No one's gonna make me apologize. If I'm not sorry, I'm I'm not gonna tell you I'm sorry, no matter how much you want to hear it, because I don't mean it. And I like to say things I mean. I wish more people would do that. Man, if more people would actually say things that they mean or follow through, oh boy, what a wonderful world this would be, right? I don't know. But we are, all of this is a house of cards. We're all just one card short of this just crumbling. And when I say this, I mean us, our existence. We're gonna eat each other alive, we're gonna knock ourselves off this planet, we're going to be our own demise. It's not gonna be an asteroid, it's not gonna be climate change. We're gonna kill each other. Why? Because we can't possibly cope as grown-ass adults, we can't coexist. Really? What kind of world, what kind of place has it gotten to where we can't just fucking get along? We're never, ever, ever all gonna agree. So if we're waiting for that to happen, then we may as well just give up. We should give up now because never ever in the history of ever have humans just held hands and all saying kumbaya. Sorry, there's always gonna be one. There's always gonna be one rogue person. And that's okay. Because if there wasn't that one rogue person, we wouldn't understand what being grateful and thankful is. We wouldn't understand how to cope and find ways to get along with people we disagree with or problem solve. It takes those rogue people for the rest of us to go, oh, we need to develop a solution for these idiots running around. I've been the idiot, you've been the idiot. Don't act like you've never been an idiot. Don't act like you've never said or done something stupid or said something that was completely false. Raise your hand if you've been imperfect. Me. If you don't raise your hand, that's your imperfection right there. So get your hand up. Come on, people, do better. This is getting old. This is getting old, you know. I am quite literally exhausted. I'm just exhausted. God, I want I want stability. Don't you want stability? Raise your hand if you want stability and safety and just some fucking peace and a breath. God, can we just take a breath? Take a breath for just a second with me, okay? Let's just all take a fucking breath. Ready. You hear that? A piece. Man, yesterday I was ready to just go, you know, complete um kamikaze on. Like I just I was going to go crazy and make a bunch of rash decisions. And I had to stop. And I had to take a breath. Because making decisions out of anger and rage usually does not bode well. We normally regret those things. And I knew, I knew I had to learn from my mistakes. I'm one to act on emotion. I am, I admit it, I hate it about myself. I act, I'm a very emotional person. And I act upon those emotions, and I need to stop, and I need to take a breath. And I think if we all just stop before we start attacking someone, before we start judging, it might serve everybody, you know? Because really, what are you gaining by berating somebody else for their beliefs? Do you think you're gonna sway them? Do you think they're suddenly gonna go, oh my God, thank you for calling me a worthless piece of garbage, yelling and screaming at me, so that I can change my entire belief system. I can change all of my morals and ethics, all of the education and research I've done, so that I could, you know, cross on over to your side. People don't usually do that. People don't normally abandon their, you know, beliefs easily. And if you want people to hear you out, it's usually best to, you know, you usually get more flies with honey. Again, I'm telling you because I've been one to yell and scream. Man, I'm a woman, I'm Swedish, I'm a Taurus, I have a lot, so I'm a bull in a China shop sometimes. Sometimes my method is just move the fuck over, I'm coming in. And sometimes that's what you need. Sometimes you need that kind of personality. It has its benefits. Sometimes you need someone like that. That's why I love that there is more than one way to skin an elk, right? There's more than one way to do something. I told you this, I found this video about llamas, a bunch of llamas that were on this little cobble road that was very, very narrow, very narrow. And, you know, both sides were like cobble stone wall that was like, I don't know, two and a half feet tall. And then there was a rope. And these llamas were trying to figure out how to continue on the path. Do they jump over the wall and go around the rope? Do they go under the rope? Do they jump over the rope? Or as the very last llama did, he used the rope, he put the rope in his teeth, and he took the rope off and I mean moved the rope and went through it. And I loved it because it's like, and it said problem solving. Or there's more than one way to problem solve. Because there is. And Lord knows I think my way is the right way. I usually think my way is the right way. So it's hard to see someone else's point of view sometimes. Because, again, you know, when it comes to things like religion or politics or your sexual orientation, usually we've done our homework and we're very passionate about it. I don't know though. God, it's just been. I'm gonna do a podcast about the things that have been going on. I'm just not ready right now. So stay tuned because holy. I just seriously, I could write a book. There should be a Netflix documentary on the shit that I've gone through. Because it's people wouldn't believe it unless they've gone through it. So House of Cards, you know, one false move and everything collapses. Why do people do that? How can people have separate lives? How can people have so many different balls in the air and keep them straight? How can people have so many lies and so much deception and like keep it all straight and continue to look at you in the eyeballs, you know? I can't even remember what the fuck I did yesterday half the time. I mean, granted, that's because I haven't had any sleep, but let alone if I had to keep a million lies in the air. I'm not good at lying because I don't remember what I said. I'm like, damn, I don't even remember what I said. Anyway. I hope everything's going well. I know things are crazy. A lot of people are strugging, struggling. See, I can't talk, you guys. The lack of sleep is real. Ugh. I don't know. My brain is mush. You know what I have to say though? There have been so many people tuning in to my podcast, and I am so grateful. I cannot tell you how grateful I am to have people from all over. There are people tuning in from all over the world, and it means everything to me. More and more people are finding out about me, and I think it's because you guys are spreading the word. So thank you, thank you, thank you. I have a YouTube channel. You can like and subscribe that. I have an Instagram, I have TikTok, but I really I think I'm gonna get rid of it. I have Facebook too, but um, you can try to follow me on all those things. I don't know how long I'm gonna keep them up, but definitely my podcast. Keep it up. You guys are smart, you're smart people, you're smart cookies. I wish everybody the best day. There's so much going on. If we can just remember to stop for a moment, take that breath, excuse me, take that breath, and just listen to the peace for a moment. Allow the silence in for a moment and then try to approach the day, you know, from a calmer perspective. I'm learning to do that. I promise I'll tell you guys what's been going on. I think I just need I need a second. I need to process. Anyway, happy. Well, it's Tuesday for me. I don't know when I'm gonna put this podcast. I'm done. I think I need to cut myself off. At this point, I sound like I've been drinking. I haven't, by the way. I have not. I'm this is just called I'm tired. Anyway, thank you so much for listening to another episode of the Ramblings Oven and Somnak. You guys rock my frickin' socks. Until next time.