Just Rambling On…

I have to be honest. I ramble a lot in this episode. I discuss being grateful, humble and giving grace. 
I talk about having an ulcer and worrying about worrying. I also discuss letting go. 
I keep it simple.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hello, and welcome to another episode of the Ramblings of an Insomniac. I am Courtney. Good morning, good afternoon, and good evening to every single person out there. I hope you are doing well. I hope life has been good. I hope things are going your way and you have a pep in your step, a little kick in your step, a little going on. If not, well dang, that is a bummer, and I'm sorry. I'm wishing you solutions. I am wishing you um help and I hope that you have support and encouragement. I hope that you have solutions. I hope they're coming your way. Um I hope help is on the way. I hope you um just remember to take things um one thing at a time and try to figure out the things that you have solutions for, the things that you have an answer for, the things that you can control. And all the other things that you don't have an answer for right now that you can't control, put that away. Put it on the back burner for right now. Doesn't mean don't get to it. Just for right this moment, focus on the things you can control. And one of those things is listening to my podcast. See that segue there? Uh-huh. You like that? Yeah, that's all about me, baby. Um, speaking of things you can control, you can control if you listen to this podcast or not. And those of you that are choosing to do so, well, hot dang. I love it. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I appreciate you. I need to think of different ways to say thank you because I always say it the same way. I never can think of anything clever and fun. I don't know how to make that clever and fun. Um, I can just be genuine and say, I know that my podcast is a hot mess. I realize it is it's not great. It's really not, honestly. If we're being honest, this isn't the best podcast in the whole world. And there are 10 billion podcasts. Everybody has a podcast now. Everybody. So the fact that you found my podcast, chose. I hope you're not under duress. I hope this isn't some kind of torturous thing that people are making you listen to to cop up, cough up information or something. Um, I mean, you know, I'm kind of glad that my podcast is being used. I don't want it to be used as torture. Um, I mean, as much as I want people to listen to me, I don't want it to be under duress. That's a bummer. So if you're choosing to listen to my podcast, especially after I was gone for like a month, and now um again when I put these podcasts up, I've done this is my third podcast now, where I haven't even put any of them up yet because I don't have a platform. And that's what's been taking me so long is I didn't have a platform. I did have one and I was paying for it, and everyone's like, hey, there's a bunch of free ones, and you should use those. And so I'm gonna try it out and see. But sorry, I got sidetracked by a horse. Aww. I love that I just said that sentence though. I like that I can be sidetracked by a horse. Like I am pretty freaking honored right now. I'm feeling pretty good that I can be outside getting some vitamin D, playing with my dogs, and be staring at a horse in a field, from a field, and have a job and have a family and um be alive. Like I am very blessed to be able to say I'm sitting here looking at a horse and to be able, like I said, to be getting some sunshine right now. And um, so I love that. And I love I'm feeling blessed that people are listening to my podcast and finding it because there are so many out there. I mean, I don't know how you guys found me, but welcome, welcome, and thank you. Tell a friend, tell a neighbor, tell a coworker, tell everybody, shout it from the rooftops. Um, if you also wouldn't mind checking out my social media platforms, I have YouTube, I have Instagram, I have TikTok, and I have Facebook. Although Instagram and YouTube, man, they're fucking assholes, I gotta tell you. They really are. They're they're they're real fuckers. They censor and shadow ban like a mofo. They absolutely censor. You can't say anything. It's it's very frustrating. Um, but that's all the reason why I would appreciate it if you would like and subscribe on any of those social media that's ramblings of an insomniac. Um, if you could like and subscribe to any and all, that would be fantastic of my social media things. I would I'd be like, hey, you're awesome. And then give you the finger guns, you know, and the wink wink, wink, wink finger guns. Because I can't see you, so I can't give you a hug. I can't high-five you. But if I could, I would. I'd give you a hug. I'd high five you. Thank you, thank you. Alright, so I have no freaking idea why I started this podcast. Because I'm realizing just now that I have absolutely I didn't come in with like any rhyme or reason. I mean, if you just have rhyme, that's cool, right? And if you just have reason, that's cool, right? But if you don't have rhyme and reason together, what's that gonna be like, right? Am I right? Um, anyway, got to people that haven't listened to my podcast before and did stumble on it today, they're gonna be like, and I'm out. Clearly, she's a nut job. And I am, you would not be wrong about that. However, give it a chance because again, sometimes on this uh podcast we talk about politics, and I get real dan and dirty, and I get lippy, and I get real shitty sometimes, and I say some things that you're gonna be like, oh my stars, oh my! I mean, maybe you won't say that, but you might be like, Wow, that was uh over the line there. There was a line, you jumped over it, flew over it, and and then flipped it off. Sometimes I do that, but not all the time, not all the time. Um, and I talk about addiction and family and relationships and dogs and just many, many, many things. So if you don't like one episode, it doesn't mean you won't like another. You'll hear my dogs, you'll hear my cats, you'll hear coyotes, you'll hear crickets. Hey, zip it in the peanut gallery. He has a lot to tell you. That's Henry. He has a lot to say, you'll hear him. Um, but you quite literally will hear coyotes and crickets and beautiful things and birds. Um, but you'll also hear airplanes and my dogs panting and me, because not because this is a gross podcast, but because I'm out of shape. Um, so anyway, I didn't have a rhyme or a reason. Um, I've done a couple of podcasts like this where I just am like, I think I'm gonna do a podcast because it's been a while, and I feel like talking to myself, apparently. Apparently, I cannot get enough of myself. Oh, sorry, I was trying to listen to that cricket. Um, uh bird, cricket, whatever. Um, they're like, there's a big difference between a bird and a cricket, Courtney. They don't sound anything alike, but um, listen. Well, now I can just hear the birds and my dog panting. Uh you'll hear a lot of that, me getting sidetracked. Um, and gosh, God bless the people that still tolerate my sidetrackedness because it's a lot. It's it's a lot. But I gotta think of something to talk about because when you start a podcast, you gotta finish it, right? You can't just have a podcast based on incessant babbling, incessant nonsense, and you're like, uh, Courtney, have you heard your podcast? That's pretty much all they are. That's pretty much what your entire podcast is based on incessant babbling and nonsense. And again, um, that's fair. That's a fair assessment, probably. I would have to maybe agree with that, not gonna lie. It's probably true. Let's see. I know what I'm gonna talk about. Um, this whole political stuff right now. Can we I I every single time I am on social media, I see it. And then when I'm out in public, people are quite lovely. And I talked about this on a podcast when I was um staying in and um pet sitting for a couple that lived for a whole for over a month. And I was talking about how when you go out in the real world and you are face to face with people, it's been my experience that 90% of the time, maybe 92% of the time, I have fantastic experiences with humans. I really do. And I'd say maybe the 8% of the time I don't, maybe 5% of that eight, they're just maybe grumpy or being a little bit of an asshole, or being like, dang, you're in a bad mood, kind of people. And then sure, maybe there's a handful of people that are being extra, extra douchey and extra, extra shitty, and you're just like, wow, you need to, you know, get some sleep and some counseling and figure out who hurt you because you know you've got problems, and but for the most part, um, like Luke Bryant says, I believe most people are good and most mamas are a qualified for sainthood. Yeah, did you like that? Do you guys miss my singing? Did you miss that? Um, that's another thing you're gonna get on this podcast. Random outbursts like New Girl, like Zoe DeSelle, like uh um on New Girl, um, like Jess on New Girl. I just randomly will sing things and I don't have a good voice like her, so that's the difference. I will sing out of pitch, tone-deaf, sounding like a cow in heat, and I still do it. So that's something you're gonna have to close your ears. Um, but I do, I I get out and about and I see people, Henry agrees, that when you're out and you're humaning, you're out being a human in person, face to face, man, people are pretty darn awesome most of the time. And FIFA will show you that. You know, the World Cup shows you that people are actually doing a good job at people. Hey, yeah, you backing me up, you're cheering me on, yeah. He's like, heck yeah, fuck yeah. Um, people, fuck yeah. Um, and I want to focus on that. I've been trying to focus on that because all of this negativity is getting me down, man. It is cramping my style, it's making me have an ulcer. By the way, um, I want you guys to know I had to do uh the whole collect a specimen. Do you guys want to know this? I'm gonna get real deep here, um, to figure out what the hell is going on with my stomach. And I have to have an endoscopy. And um, they're pretty sure I've got an ulcer or ulcers. And why? Why do you ask? Well, because my life is pretty stressful and it always has been, but also because I'm neurotic. I'm a neurotic crazy person that worries and worries and worries and worries and worries, and then I worry about worrying, and then I worry that I worry too much, and then I'm like, oh my god, I'm worrying about worrying too much, and then I worry that I'm worrying too much. See where I'm going with this? And now I have an ulcer. So don't be me, kids. Don't worry about worrying. You gotta really for real let go of the shit that you cannot control. And I even have let go, not let it go like frozen. Okay, I got this tattoo like when I was fuck, I don't know, like 25, and I'm now in my 50s, so you do the math. So it was before the movie Frozen, and it doesn't say let it go, it says let go. And I had it tattooed on my wrist. You want to know why? Because I wanted a constant reminder when I was started feeling out of control, and I started feeling neurotic. I wanted to be like let go, meaning let go of the things you cannot control, let go of the shit that you have no solution for. Just take a breath, get your shit together. So, um, now I might have an ulcer. Um, I'm kind of rooting for an ulcer because they were like, or it could be your pancreas. And I'm like, wait, why are you throwing out ores out there, man? Now I'm worried about the ores. And now the ulcer that I have is gonna get 79 times worse because now I'm worried that you threw an ore out there. Or I don't want there to be an ore. I'm not saying an ulcer is good. I'm not saying an ulcer is healthy, but I'll take an ulcer over something to do with my pancreas or like stomach cancer or something. My grandma died of that. I don't want any of that. People that find out they have stomach cancer find out too late. Look at Toby Keith and one of my friends um who I look at her like a mom. Her mom passed away like cut like a month after she found out. Toby Keith found out and passed away right after. My grandma, same thing. So I was like, oh my god. But I'm not a hypochondriac. I'm really not. I'm not a hypochondriac, I don't do that, but I do worry. So I need to work on that, and I'm trying. But sometimes my life sucks, even when I don't worry, and I really focus on the good and I put the positive out there and I'm ignoring things that I can't control and all of that. Sometimes my life still sucks. And those times really piss me off when I'm being a good person and I'm a hard worker and I'm doing all the things. I'm trying even harder to be an even better person, to be an even harder worker, to be a good parent, to be a good grandparent, to be a good friend, to be, you know, a good um business person, um, and just good human in general. And it seems like the harder I try, things just sometimes get worse, and that is what is frustrating. And I'm not doing a boohoo thing. I'm not, I'm not being a victim. I'm not gonna sit here and cry and you know, start being like, man, my life sucks. But I have had a lot of stuff. I've had a um a lot of stuff to deal with. Things that I did not choose, things that I did not um pick, they were not my choices. There are a lot of good choices that I made, and still um my life kind of took a turn for the worst. But at the same time, um there were a lot of bad things that have happened to me that opened up doors for good things. There were a lot of times when good things came out of bad things, and so I'm trying to focus on that as well and be like, you know, um the good news is I have survived, um, I have persevered. It shows that I am mentally and physically strong. And so I can't be sitting there harboring, you know. I can't be caring about what other people think, and I can't be resentful of people that don't appreciate me and all of that, because that's just worrying to worry. I have to be accountable for myself and me and take on their life, has enough problems of its own, you know. We don't need to throw more shit onto it. I think we need to throw more grace and humility and kindness and gratitude. Those are things I think we need to focus focus on. Fuca. We need to foca. Get your folk on. Get your folk on. Anyway, um, again, I'm saying myself, I'm including myself. I am not being righteous right now at all. Um, I'm not on my soapbox or anything. I'm saying I want to focus on these things, and I've been trying to. That's why I haven't done a political podcast in quite a while. And again, if you choke out, choke out, God, I cannot talk today. Load. Yet I pick when I have no topic. I don't know what I'm talking about. I have no topic. And apparently, when I can't form sentences, I'm like, you know what sounds good? A podcast. I'll do a podcast when I'm can't form sentences and I'm babbling on about absolutely nothing. That sounds like a great mix for a podcast. Let's do it, wrap it up. I don't know how you guys listen to me, but you do. And again, I really hope it's not under duress. That would be scary and sad. Um, using my podcast for some kind of torturous thing. That's not cool, man. But again, I mean, I don't want that to happen, but um I do want the downloads. I'm just kidding, I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I don't want people to be tortured. But also, let's face it, my podcast is not a torture. So, I mean, it may be annoying, I'll give you that. Maybe it's aimless and completely, you know, I don't edit it and I'm talking into my cell phone. Yes, folks, I'm talking into my cell phone, I don't edit, I don't do anything. I literally talk into my cell phone and then upload it from my cell phone onto my computer, and boom, that's my podcast. I don't have any type of anything, it's genuinely the most authentic you can get. Using that word makes you sound pretentious. I'm like, I'm so authentic. I'm so authentic and genuine. I don't mean it like that. It's just I'm just telling you facts, man. Just the facts outjack. The facts are I'm getting toasty, but I'm trying to get my tan on because my legs are uh, well, they're gross. They are now full of cellulite and sp and it's uh it's not pretty. Um, I've never been a fan of my legs. I like my back. Is that weird? I think I have a sexy back. I want to get on OnlyFans and be like a back person to be like, yeah, you like this back, baby. But the problem is I have tattoos and I have very, very, very recognizable tattoos. And I'm not saying that that's um ugly. I think a lot of people would be into that. They'd be like, yeah, tattooed back. I'm just saying people would know who I was and I wouldn't be able to like, you know, hide my identity. And then I'm like, what if I did like foot foot stuff or a weenus, not a penis, a weenus, you know, your elbow thing. I'll do is that a I'm sure there's people, I'm sure every kind of fetish you can imagine is out there. People have a nose fetish, a weenus fetish, a back of the knee fetish. You know there's a fetish for everything. I could do a little back of the knee, you know, get on OnlyFans and do back of the knee and do back porn and not porn, but you know, and uh and weenus stuff and be like, yeah, look at the look at the wrinkles on that weenus, baby. I don't know. But I don't mind my back, but my legs right now, that's where I was getting. People are like, where are you going with this? You're wondering. I didn't know at first, I gotta be honest. I was like, what the fuck? made me start thinking about that. But now I know I did circle back around. You like that? I always circle back around. Well, not always, most of the time. Um, it was about my legs. Um, no, not into them. Um, I've got some wiggling going on that I'm not a fan of. Am I doing anything about it though? I'm not. I haven't been. I've been busy. I am not lazy at all. Um, but I'm not doing anything to get my legs to be better in shape. But cellulite's not going away. That I can't do anything about. I have to just be like, let it go. Let go, not let it go. But let go because I can't do anything about it. It is what it is. Cellulite is what it is, it's not going anywhere, folks. No matter how much cream you rub on it, it's not going anywhere. So I have to just be like, all right, one less thing to worry about, right? That's just one less thing. I have to look at things like that. If I don't have a solution or I can't, you know, then I'm like, all right, I guess it's one less thing for this moment to worry about. All right, I'm running out of things. This might be a short podcast, which is great because you guys could listen to it like on your commute to work. If you have a short commute to work, you could listen to it if you're in the shower. But don't take really long showers, that's a waste of water, right? Just wash your cooch and your pits and your feet, you know. There you go. Anyways, I'm not promoting bad hygiene. I'm just saying you can listen to this podcast if it is short. Um, I've noticed people seem to like my podcasts that are around 27 to 34 minutes. Seems to be the sweet spot. If I babble longer than that, they're like, Yeah, I can't do more of you, Courtney. We're tuning out now. After 34 minutes, you're done. You're done. You're done. You're done. Baylor Out Loud. God, I love her. Um, I wasn't making fun of her. She's just awesome. She cracks me up, but um, she's strong. Talk about a strong woman. That woman, Baylor, on Baylor Out Loud, that poor girl has to put up with so much stuff, and her body has to be hurting all the time, and just normal things are so hard for her, and I feel bad, but she takes it like a champ. So, and her I haven't watched it in a long time, so I don't know if she's still with her partner or not, but um, she had a boyfriend who I think they were gonna get married, and they seemed awesome. So, and her family um having to, you know, their whole family having to to cope with that. It's a hard thing, so that's where you're done comes from, in case you're wondering why I started talking about that. Speaking of done, I think I'm done. I'm done. Um, I think I'm gonna go chill out for a bit. But thank you, thank you, thank you so very much. See, I know when to wrap it up. I know when to shut up, I don't always know when to shut my face. Um, people that know me are gonna be like, no, you don't, you don't know when to wrap it up. Sometimes you keep going and you shouldn't. You should learn when to wrap it up a little sooner than what you do. So today though, look at me go. Today I deserve a pat on the back because I'm like, mm-hmm, probably shouldn't keep going because I'm really talking about absolutely nothing. And people that haven't listened to this podcast before are be like, so I tuned in to listen to you quite literally babble about absolutely fucking nothing. You did. Yes, you did, absolutely. But wasn't it fun? Wasn't it fun? Did you have anything better to do? Come on. You can do this while you're doing stuff, anyways, right? So thank you. I appreciate you. I hope you listen again. Until next time.