Family Issues…..

In this episode, I discuss family. Relationships we have with each of our family members. The bond between parents and their children. But what happens when the bond is broken? What happens when you aren’t sure if you even like each other anymore? 
What’s been keeping me up? Boundaries and feeling like a bad parent. 

Transcript

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Hello everybody and welcome to another episode of the Ramblings of an Insomniac. I am Courtney. Hello. Good morning. Good afternoon, and good evening. I hope you guys are having a wonderful day or had a wonderful day. I hope things went according to plan. I don't know what your plan was, but I sure hope things went your way. And if they didn't, I hope you were able to navigate and switch courses and kind of adjust and be able to well to adapt. I can adapt. I can adapt really easily, but I don't like to. I don't like it when things get thrown off course at the last minute. I don't think most people do. A lot of people can handle it. A lot of people can can handle it, they can adjust, they can navigate it, they can change course, but most people don't want to. At the last minute, change is not always great. So I hope things went according to how you wanted them. And like I said, if not, I hope you are able to readjust and stay on your feet. Lord knows nowadays it seems kind of hard to stay on your feet, doesn't it? Seems like everyone's trying to knock you off your feet. Knock you off your feet and try to take you out at the knees. Seems like a lot of people are out just to complain and drag the world down into their misery. Misery loves company, and there's people who are hurting for company. They are wanting company because they're lonely. And they're probably lonely because they're miserable people. Miserable people want to drag other people down, and so they're so miserable that they're like, somebody come down here with me. I'm lonely down here. It's miserable, miserable being miserable. Anyway, I always start my podcast and say hello, and then I jump right into things. I never give any foreplay. I never like talk it out first. I just hop right into my fork, my my forecast. I'm tired. Uh I hop right into my podcast without any kind of introduction, any kind of seducing. I don't try to lure you in with my sexy voice. I'm just kidding, I don't have a sexy voice. I wouldn't know how to be sexy. Uh I'm past sexy, okay, you guys. I don't even try anymore. I'm just like, look, I'm doing good if I have brushed my hair, teeth, and put some makeup on and done something with myself. Okay, that's not true. I always brush my teeth and hair, and I always, you know, keep myself clean. I have good hygiene. But what I'm saying is, sexy is not on my list of priorities right now. It's not something I'm feeling, that's for sure. And it's not something I'm striving to really be. I mean, I want to be attractive, sure. But I want to be fit. I want to be, you know, hygienic and you know, I don't I want to take care of myself, but sexy is not really on my radar these days, I I have to say. Um sexy and Courtney are two words that have not been put together in a huge amount of time. If ever. Who knows if it's ever been put together? I don't think I've ever been called sexy necessarily. Um I don't, yeah. I've never been one to, you know, look all seductive and stuff. I'm pretty awkward. There was a meme once that said, me flirting. Me. Do you like bread? Also me. Um or no, do you like bread? Yeah, that was it. That was the meme. It was see, I can't even say the meme right. Lord, I'm tired. I really need to learn to stop doing podcasts when I'm tired. I had an endoscopy today. Thought you guys should know that. Um the only reason I'm telling you that is I didn't sleep very well, and then I went and had an endoscopy, and they put you out. And you know, you're only out for five seconds, not a big deal or anything. But I was already tired, and then they gave me sleepy juice, and then now I'm like, I'm dragging ass today. And it's muggy. It's really muggy today. We had this awesome, freaking awesome thunder and lightning show yesterday. I mean, I know you can't see thunder, but you can hear it, and it was pretty awesome. And there were like there was thunder and lightning for like four hours yesterday. It was awesome. I loved it. I haven't seen lightning in forever. And I love it. It's great. It made me look up stuff about lightning, and I was sitting there out on the porch watching it, and it was pretty awesome. I like myself a good storm. I mean, not hurricane, not tornado or anything, not flood. I just mean a good storm. I feel like it's good, you know? It's like ah and oddly, the rain coming down was warm. It was pretty crazy. I live in Oregon. I don't live in, you know, some tropical place, but the rain was even warm. And it was weird because it was like 90 something degrees, and then it got cooler, and then all of a sudden we had a bunch of thunder and lightning. It was it was awesome. I could use a little more. We could use some more rain. Um we have had a dry winter and summer, so we could certainly use some more rain. And we got some yesterday. It was quite lovely, and I love the smell when it's been hot for a long time and like muggy and stuff and humid, and then all of a sudden it rains. Oh god, I love that smell. Fantastic. So, um again, I'm sorry, I don't really do well with the introductions. I just kind of go hi and then blah blah blah. So um, sorry about that. If this is not your first time listening, uh, then you know that I do this and you're used to it, and you're like, that's Courtney. This is what she does. She just again, it's called ramblings of an insomniac, you guys. What did you expect? Of course I'm gonna ramble. I said it in the title. I was honest, right? I gave you the heads up. All right. What's on my mind? Um, family. Um sons being a mom. And how when your sons get older and they are grown adults, um, you know, they're they're adults. And so your role changes. You know, you're still their mom, but you're sort of more their friend in a way, because you're not really gonna parent them as far as like, you know, tell them what to do. You kind of wait for them to ask for advice, or maybe you don't wait, maybe you just give them advice unsolicited. I do sometimes, and I know I shouldn't. I realize I should not give unsolicited advice, but I do not all the time. I try over here, guys. Um, but I do. And um let me tell you, it's really hard as a parent when you don't get along with one of your children. It's hard as a mom because you know, you carried them and you gave birth to them, and you're their mom, and you're a parent. You're they're your family member. And you hope and pray that you get along with your family. You know, you hope that you get along with your mom and dad, your siblings, and your children, because you should. Family members should be close, they should be able to trust each other, they should be able to depend on each other, they should be able to, you know, be there for each other through thick and thin, no matter what. Families should be close. Families should get along, they should laugh, they should, you know, they should get along, especially parents. Parents should get along with their kids. So it's really, really hard if you don't have the best relationship with your children. It makes it difficult. Um as a parent, like myself, as a mom, um, I have a son that we have just always had a very um we've had a difficult relationship. Well, that's the understatement of the year. Um we've had a very, very strained relationship since birth, pretty much. He was very colicky. Um he pretty much cried and ate but didn't sleep. He wasn't happy. Um he was always a pretty unhappy kid. Um and then he went through a window from like five to ten where he seemed happy and he seemed like everything was good. And then at like 11, it kind of turned into a punk. And people are gonna go, well, how did you parent him? Did you gentle parent him? Did you were you strict? Were you Christian? Were you atheist? Did you spank? Did you do times out? Like, how did you parent? And here's what I can tell you. With my oldest son, I um my kids' dad and I divorced when my oldest son was three and a half and my youngest son was five months old. And um we divorced, but we co-parented very, very well. We got along. Um, we saw them equally. He saw them three days a week, I saw them four days a week. Um, we went to all of the events together, we hung out on Christmases, we co-parented very well. Um, I had a job and I was going to school full-time, and I ended up getting cancer very young, and I got meningitis, and my grandparents died, I was going through a divorce, there was a million things going on in my life, and I had two kids. And so when my youngest came along, I admit I was so stressed and so busy that I didn't tell him no a lot. I would tell him no, I would, but I would be exhausted. And after like the third time of telling him no, I admit I was not as um, I didn't follow through, I didn't stick to it, and he had more of the gentle parenting style. Um, I still taught him to shake hands and be respectful and say please and thank you, and he had all of that down. Um, I taught him to, you know, clean and pick up after himself and all that stuff, and he had a job, and you know, he is a hard worker when he works. But he doesn't always want to work, and somehow along the way, though, he just developed an attitude that entitled attitude, and um he was diagnosed as autistic, but he's you know, on the spectrum, he's very high functioning. Um so he has some issues sometimes with social skills, and he has some issues sometimes with um he just learns in a different way, but he's very high functioning. A lot of people don't even realize that he's autistic, most people don't. Um but to have him tell his story, he acts like he's been through a lot, and I can assure you he has not. In fact, um he has been wanting to he's he is not very self-sufficient, and he likes to tell everybody how to lead their lives when he has done the least amount of living out of everybody in the family. Um so he he loves to give advice when he has never lived a life. He loves to give advice about life when he has never actually lived it himself. He loves to tell everybody how terrible they are, how much they should change, particularly me, particularly me. He loves nothing more than to bash me and put me down and blame me for quite literally everything. And I mean everything. I'm talking things that have nothing to do with me, things that I have nothing to do with, he blames me for. He has blamed me for a friend of mine trying to commit suicide. He has blamed me for just everything you could possibly imagine. He has called me every name in the book. He has told me he hopes I die and he hopes and prays that I die. He wishes that I die. He prays to God every day for them to take me. Now you guys are gonna go, wow, what did you do? What did you do, Courtney, as a parent? Wow, how terrible of a parent were you to have your own son think that way? And you would think that I have done something bad. One would think that. But I can tell you for certain that has never happened. In fact, it's the opposite. I have spoiled him too much. I didn't say no to him enough, he didn't have consequences or accountability, and I kept thinking that he was going to change, so I kept helping and helping and enabling, enabling, enabling, enabling. And to the point that he grew into a lazy, entitled narcissist who somehow feels the world owes him everything, but that he doesn't have to output anything. And in the meantime, he acts like he is worldly and knowledgeable and oh so wise. But he hasn't lived on his own and he hasn't had a relationship yet, and so he doesn't know heartbreak. He doesn't know the stress of bills and living on your own. That part's my fault. That's absolutely my fault. I coddled him far more than I did my older son, and there's a big difference between the two of them because of it. My older son has lived on his own since he was 18. He has worked since he was 14, full time. He has always worked, he has paid his bills, he has gone through some hard times. Yes, he is not a perfect human because, like I say on every single podcast, there's no such thing as a perfect human. So my older son has issues, of course, has things to work on, as do I, and you listening. We all do. And if you think you don't, well, that's your issue. You think you don't have issues, and we all do. I'm not saying we all have a lot of them. I'm not saying we're all super fucked up. I'm just saying we're not perfect and we all have something. So my older son is definitely not perfect, and he has had struggles, and he has had things that he has done that aren't great. But he's also amazing and he's also wonderful and a hard worker and an amazing father and a great provider, and he tries and bends over backwards to make sure he's a good provider and father, especially father. And it's amazing to me, though, when you can have someone that you've given birth to that you can just not like sometimes. I love both of my sons very, very much. I would be devastated, devastated if something happened to either of my sons. I want to make that clear. I absolutely love both of my sons, and I don't want anything to happen to either of them. But I'm going to say something that not a lot of people are going to admit, and people may think I'm a horrible parent and a horrible person, but I will bet you a million dollars, many people out there listening can identify what I'm going to say. I think people, if they're being honest, if they're being honest, they can identify with what I'm going to say. And that is, I don't like my son right now. I'm sorry, I don't. I don't like the person he has become. I'm not going to say man because he doesn't act like a man at all. And I don't like who he is. I love him very much. And I want nothing but the best for him. I want him to be happy. God, I want him to be happy because he's miserable right now. And he is hell bent on blaming the entire planet, especially me, for his misery. He's not taken accountability for it. He will never take accountability for it because he's a victim. He's got that victim mentality that all these wokey McWokersons have decided to encourage and promote. And so he's taken his cue. He has watched way too much uh social media and has seen these entitled brats running around throwing temper tantrums anytime they don't get their way, anytime they want something, they whine and cry and throw temper tantrums. So, you know, he's like, hot damn, I'm gonna do the same. Seems to be the ticket, seems to be encouraged. There's no accountability anymore. And they don't tell you when you become a parent that sometimes you and your child may not see eye to eye. I mean, I'm not talking about the occasional argument, I'm not talking about the occasional disagreement. Parents always have times and moments where their kids are like, I hate you. But they don't mean it. Rarely does a child mean it when they say it to their parent. My son means it. He means it. He has said it more times than I can count, and he has said worse things than that. And I kept thinking, oh, he's going through something, or oh, this, and I kept just thinking and forgiving him and thinking, maybe it's a phase, maybe he's struggling with something he's not telling me about. I always try, I try really hard to find the reasoning. Again, I say this on every podcast. On every podcast, I say I try my best to find the good in people, to figure out why people behave the way they do. I'm always trying to dissect people's brains and figure out what's making them behave the way they are, what's making them say and do the things that they do. I try to not just cast people off. I try to give people the benefit of the doubt. I try to be nice because I think maybe someone's just never been nice to them before. Maybe someone has never been nice to them. And they just need that one person. Sorry, I'm picking blackberries and eating blackberries. Um, but um sometimes I do that to my own detriment. I don't say no when I should. I don't, I mean, people take advantage of me because I'm a sucker. Because I'm a pushover for someone that may, you know, have problems. I pick partners that have issues because I'm a cliche and I think I can fix them. Boy, raise your hand if you're one of those people who loves themselves a good fucking fixer upper. Chandra Leighton has a song about it, a fucking fixer upper, and it's so true. I think it's just called Fixer Upper, but um I am a stupid cliche and I like fixer uppers. And then I get all hot and I get all hot and bothered and pissed off when they are exactly that. A fixer upper. And I have no right to do that because I'm choosing these assholes. Well, with your child, you can't choose your child. They're your child. But I can tell you I've tried. I've tried to motivate him, I've tried to encourage him, I've tried to I've tried everything, I've tried tough love. I did try the tough love. Um it's hard as a parent. It's hard if you have an addict and you try everything and you can't save them. How on earth are you supposed to sit back and watch your child ruin their life? My son's not an addict. I'm not saying he's an addict, I'm just saying it's hard when you have kids that are addicts or that you just don't get along with for whatever that reason is. Because you want to. You want more than anything in the world to get along with your family. And again, that's what family is for. You're supposed to support each other and love each other unconditionally and have each other's backs. Sure, you're gonna have arguments. Sure, you're gonna have some arguments and you're gonna disagree, but you're not supposed to wish death upon each other. I have never wished death upon my son, by the way. Ever, and I never will. It's just incredibly frustrating when you have a son that hates you so much and you don't know why. You're trying to figure out why. And then the excuses they tell you are things that have never happened. And when you talk to others, they're like, What is he talking about that's never happened? And I'm like, I know. Have we lived in a different world? Like you're just making stuff up, literally. You're just making up things that have never happened. And it's interesting because he calls everybody a victim. That's his favorite thing, is he'll even say really shitty things like, Oh, boo-hoo, boo hoo, wan, cry about it, boo-hoo. Are you a victim? Are you a martyr? Do you just love being a miserable victim? And what's funny is I have gone through absolute hell. And I mean hell. My life has been fucking hell. And not only do I never feel sorry for myself, and I don't consider myself a victim, I don't use my horrendous, horrendous fucking life and the things I've gone through as an excuse ever. Not once. In fact, I've used it as fuel to survive. I have used it as fuel to be able to get where I want to go, to survive, to um to persevere, to show that I can survive, I will survive, and that no one and nothing is going to keep me down. I'm far too stubborn for that. Far too stubborn, far too prideful to allow myself to wallow in self-pity. Sure, I have days where I feel sorry for myself, like I have a moment because not even feel sorry for myself. I have days where I am scared and I am tired and I am sad because I have a right to be scared and tired and sad, because I have gone through something like my mom dying. Because maybe my mom died, maybe my dog died, maybe I um am going through stuff with my son. And so, of course, I'm gonna cry sometimes, and I'm gonna have days where I'm sad or days that I am upset. Sorry, you're gonna hear a dog. This is a dog in the background. Oh, she's attacking my face. Oh, okay, you gotta back off, honey. And of course I'm gonna have that, but that's a difference between having your moment and feeling your feelings, like I always talk about on this podcast. You should go through your feelings. That's what they're there for, even if it's anger. No matter what your feelings are, go through them because they're important. You shouldn't miss those steps. You shouldn't bury your feelings and bury your feelings because unfortunately, I feel like that's just grounds for them to explode later. And you're gonna go postal. Now, I'm not saying go in the middle of somewhere and scream bloody murder like some kids do nowadays. I'm not saying throw a temper tantrum. I'm not saying make an ass of yourself and have a meltdown in front of everybody. But if you want to have a meltdown at home for a second, I'm saying have your crying thing, cry, get upset. And then once you've done that, blow your nose, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and figure out a pro figure out a solution to your problem. Figure out what you can control, what you can fix, and what you can't. And all the shit that you can't, you gotta let that go. But when it's your family, you're like, what are you supposed to do? I'm not gonna let go of my son. But then I'm like, maybe I do need to do that. Maybe I need to absolutely separate myself from my own son because he causes me ulcers and literal migraines and literal ulcers and insomnia. It's not joy anymore. It's not a joy to be around him because he is an unhappy entitled narcissist that preys on me when I am going through the worst things in my life. Whenever I'm going through a very, very, very rough time, he picks those times to attack me, to just treat me horrifically. It's so weird. And again, I don't know what kind of human tells their mother that they pray every day that she has a heart attack and dies, especially when I'm telling you folks, he's never been abused. He's never been physically, mentally, or sexually abused. Everybody's taken care of him his entire life. He gets to sit around. He has worked about seven years out of his 29 years of existence. So he has got to sit around eating for free, living for free, not having a care in the world, no bills, everybody paying for everything. Um, his brother, he loves to attack his brother for things that happened 20 years ago that he didn't even do. His brother's been the best brother in the world. Sure, his brother fights with him sometimes. Sure, his brother's mean to him, was mean to him sometimes. Sure, his brother is once in a while shitty to him. Because hello, that's called being a brother, that's called being family, that's called being a human. But what he neglects to understand is that his brother's been 40 times the brother that most brothers are. His brother has taken him places, has taken him to Australia and taken him to on a cruise and has always done stuff with him, in spite of the fact that his brother has called him names too. Has also told, my youngest son has also told his older brother that he should die and he hopes he dies. But if you, God forbid, blink an eyeball at my younger son, if you very, very kindly, very respectfully, very calmly try to talk to my youngest son like an adult, again in a calm, adult, respectful way, about something, he will lose his mind. He cannot handle any type of criticism, even if it's not criticism, even if someone's just saying, hey, you know, um, you haven't had a job in a while. I understand that you're depressed, I understand that you're insecure, I understand that you know you are scared of failing. I understand you have massive insecurities, and people are gonna go, you said he's a narcissist, how could he be insecure? There's a fine line between narcissism and insecurity. Um I think you can also be both in a way, but you can um try to talk to someone when they've actually done something wrong, like say somebody has um, you know, wrecked your car, which he did, and um it was an accident, of course. And the first thing I asked him was if he is okay, and I wanted to make sure he was okay, and I didn't make him feel bad at all. Um, but then later I was like, hey, you know, so just as a reminder, both hands on the wheel, don't be playing with your phone. Because next time you could die, you could kill yourself, or you could kill someone else, or both. So it's important. But I didn't even say it like that, I just had a conversation with him, and of course, he can't handle it. He can't handle it if a boss critiques him, even if a boss is doing it well as his boss, as someone that pays him. Um, that boss could say it in the most kind, respectful, adult way, and he can't handle it. He cannot handle anybody saying anything to him, but boy will he bash the shit out of everybody else. He does not miss a single second to tell somebody what they're doing wrong, how they could be doing it better, and calling them names. But he'll call himself a victim. But he seriously has worked about six years, seven years in his life. And the rest of the time he's just been living off of everybody while telling everybody what a piece of shit they are. Having everybody pay for everything while telling them what horrendous pieces of garbage they are and how they should change their lives and how their lives are bad. Telling everybody how they shouldn't get upset over their loved ones, or they shouldn't treat their loved ones this way, or they shouldn't be upset over their loved ones over that or this, or how dare we get upset over this and that when he's never had a relationship. Never had a relationship, loves to give relationship advice, has never lived a life, loves to talk about life and stress and how people should handle stress differently. Coming from someone that's never had an ounce of stress, it's pretty rich. So I'm struggling. I'm struggling with the fact and the reality that I don't like my son very much, and he has hurt me more than I can describe, and he doesn't care. That's the part that kills me. He does not care at all that he has hurt me deeply. What am I supposed to do with that? When your son not only doesn't care that they hurt you, but they tell you they hope and pray that God takes you. How am I supposed to be okay with that? And what am I supposed to think of that when I've literally dedicated my life and put myself last? I have always put my children first, always, at the detriment of myself. There are many, many times when they were grown-ass adults and I had no business putting them first because they're adults and they need to suffer consequences of their behaviors. They need to have accountability, they need to learn to fall and pick themselves back up themselves. They need to do it themselves. That's how you learn. And it's super hard, but man, look at mama birds. Mama birds are like, boom, you're out of here. You sink or swim. It's a dog eat dog world, and you know what? You've got to fucking learn how to be tough. You can't be a pansy. You have to be able to be self-sufficient and take care of yourself. And if you can't, well then you don't get to say shit about anybody. If you're living in your parents' basement and you're not going to school full-time and you don't have a reason, like maybe you're ill, maybe your house burnt down, maybe you're in the middle of a divorce. I realize that there are situations in which you need to move in with someone. I realize there are situations where maybe you need to move back in with your parents. I get that. I'm not talking about those times. I'm talking about when you've never moved out and you like to use your mom and use all of you know her time and energy while telling her what a piece of garbage she is. Like, who does that? Honestly, what kind of person, especially child, what kind of son or daughter would do that to their parents? Not a good one, I can tell you that. And that's why I'm gonna tell you something that again, a lot of people aren't gonna say, I don't really like my younger son right now. He's not a good person, I'm sorry, but he's he's mean, he's entitled, and he's narcissistic, and when he does work, he works hard. But the problem is that's not very often. He can't handle anybody talking to him, he's not mature, and I don't like that. I love him, I don't want anything to happen to him, and I would genuinely be devastated. Devastated and beside myself if something happened to either of my sons, genuinely, truly. But I can tell you that I am not a fan of his right now because how can you be a fan of someone who tells you on a daily basis that they want you dead and what a piece of crap you are? Again, he's not an abused person, never been abused, never been abused mentally, sexually, physically, barely has ever had to work in his life, has been able to just sit around like a fucking king, having everybody wait on him, and that's why he's an asshole. Yes, I called him an asshole. I will be willing to bet there's a lot of parents out there that think that about one of their kids at one point. Not all the time, but maybe at some point in their life, just like you think that maybe about your spouse or your parents at some point in your life. Right this moment, right this moment in my life, I think he's an asshole. That's why I wanted to do this podcast because I'm sure that there are parents out there that feel that way. Hell, I'm sure we feel that way about our siblings, about our parents. And we've all had that moment where we're like, I hate you, and we've said that to our parents. Of course we don't mean it. I mean, maybe I can't speak for you. Maybe you did mean it. I don't know. Maybe you really hated your parents because maybe they really were shitty, horrible parents. I don't know. I'm not saying there aren't shitty, horrible parents and people out there, but I'm not one, I'm not perfect. Nope. But I'm not a bad person, and it hurts a lot when I can handle strangers not liking me. I can absolutely handle strangers telling me I'm a piece of crap and calling me names. That's fine. Bring it on. Don't care, not even a little bit. Could not care the teeniest, tiniest smidge of a bit if a stranger doesn't like me. Don't care what a stranger thinks of me. I care a lot though what my family thinks of me, especially because the only family I have left are my two sons and my grandkids, and that's it. That's all she wrote, folks. I have nobody else. I have a very small, small family that consists of, you know, sons and three grandkids, and um the mother of my grandkids. So you guys are gonna go, why'd you call her the mother of your grandkids? Because I have girlfriend, my son's girlfriend. And um other than that, I biologically though, I consider my son's girlfriend's kids my grandkids. I consider them my grandkids, but biologically they're not. Biologically, I have one grandson and two sons in my family. So I have three people biologically left in my entire family. Everybody else in my family is dead. So I care a lot what they think about me, you know. So I had a conversation with his dad, and I was like, look, we gotta something's gotta change. What do you suggest? And he just needs a dose of reality. He needs to be dropped off somewhere and be like, you know what, fucking figure it out because you have had people hand you money after money and you blew it on gambling. You chose to blow it. You didn't save it, you didn't use it for what we said. You've had the opportunity to live rent-free for ten years so you could save up money to live on your own. Ten years to save up money to live on your own. You've been handed money after money after money. He even won a kino, a huge amount in kino. Blew it all. Didn't save it, didn't use it to get his own place, but tells everybody else how terrible they are. I have tried to get him to go to counseling. I said I'd pay for it. I said I would take him there and back if he needed me to. I offered to pay for it. I offered to pay for us to go to counseling. Unfortunately, you can't really force someone to go to counseling when they're an adult. And he needs it. But he doesn't think he needs it. He thinks we all need it. He suggests all the time that everybody else needs counseling. But you know. He's the youngest and hasn't lived on his own or had relationships or paid bills, but boy, does he know life though. He knows all about life. Libby, come! You know, he's a big tough man who hasn't lived, but like I said, likes to tell everybody else what they need to do, how they need to do it, and he does it in the rudest way possible. But God forbid you blink your eyeballs at him, even a little bit wrong. Oh, he'll lose his mind on you. He'll fucking flip out on you. He can't handle it. I don't know how he's going to live life out in the real world. I don't know how he's going to find a partner. But I want happiness for him. I want him to find a partner. I know he's a good person inside. I know he has it in there somewhere. I've seen glimpses. I've seen glimmers. I've seen him be nice to other people. He's rarely nice to me, but I've seen him be nice to others. So I know what's in there. I don't know. I don't know what you're supposed to do when you're a parent, and you just kind of have to go, sorry, I gotta kick you out. And I guess you're homeless because you've made really poor choices, and you have bit the hand that feeds you entirely too many times. You've had a million and one forgiveness. People have forgiven and forgiven and forgiven when you haven't even apologized. He doesn't apologize either. But boy, will he hold you responsible for something 20 years ago. 20 years ago, he will hold it over your head and use it as an excuse as to why he is not where he wants to be today. All because maybe his brother 20 years ago picked on him. But if you bring up something from yesterday that he did, why are you living in the past? Why are you living in the past? Stop living in the past. Stop bringing up the past. The past, the past. I'm like, it was yesterday. It was yesterday and you're still doing it. So it happened 24 hours ago and you're still doing it now, so it's still relevant now. But something that happened 20 years ago that has not happened since, that people have apologized for profusely, that was no big deal. It was kids being kids and like nothing, literally nothing whatsoever. He, to him, it's a huge deal. Because again, you can't look at him cross-eyed without it being a gigantic deal. But boy, can he rake you over the coals and you're supposed to deal with it. And if God forbid you tell him not to talk to you that way, well, then you're just a martyr piece of shit, baby, and he'll go, oh boo-hoo, cry about it. But he cries all the time, and he's always, always the victim. It's the biggest hypocrisy ever. And I know part of it's my fault. Like I said, I was exhausted, and I have had a lot of stuff go on in my life that were not my fault, by the way. I've had things go on in my life that are my fault, but I will take accountability for because I tell everybody else to, and I always have. There are choices that I have made that certainly were not good choices. And then there are things that had nothing to do with me or my choices that I've had to deal with. And um, I gotta tell you, my son's personality is partially my fault, yes. Um but I don't know how he got so bad. I don't know. It's keeping me up though. It's keeping me up, it's making me cry. I'm not really sure where we're going to be in our future. I don't know if we'll ever have a relationship. You know, a mother and son relationship. He told me today that he calls me Courtney, doesn't think of me as his mom. That's nice to hear. That's always great. I hope not a lot of people know what I'm talking about. I hope most people don't know what I'm talking about and have not been through this. But those of you who have, whether you're a dad or a mom, if you're a parent and you're dealing with this with one of your children, if they're children or if they're an adult, you know, son or daughter, it fucking sucks. It sucks when you don't get along with a family member, you know. Maybe it's your mom or dad you don't get along with. Maybe it's your brother or sister that you don't get along with. It's sad. It's really sad when you have a close, close family member. Again, like your mom, dad, brother, sister, you know, son or daughter that you don't get along with. Genuinely. I'm not talking about normal family arguments. I'm not talking about that. I'm not talking about normal family dysfunction. Everybody has that. That's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about actual dysfunction. You know? I don't know. It's really weighing on me, though, and it's doing a number on my health. I can tell you that. My son might get his wish. I very well could have a heart attack soon. And what sucks is the last thing I hear from him is that he wants me dead. I try to tell people that all the time. The last thing you say to someone, what when you go to bed at night, are you okay with the last thing that you said to somebody? Like if they died the next moment and the last thing that you said to them, are you okay with the last thing you said to your son, daughter, mom, dad, sibling, partner, you know, your husband or wife, are you okay with the last thing that you said to them? I know that we all get in fights and we all say and do things that we regret sometimes because again, we're not perfect. We're not perfect, so of course we're gonna say and do things sometimes that are shitty. Obviously, that's gonna happen. But are you truly, truly comfortable though, with the last thing that you said to someone to where if you found out that they were dead the next morning, are you okay with what you said to them? Because I think my son is totally fine. That's what makes me so sad and brokenhearted. I think he does not give a shit that the last thing that he said to me was cruel and completely unnecessary, unwarranted. And that'll be the last thing I hear. And I'm not okay with that, but he is, and that's pretty fucked up, you know? So I don't know if you're fighting with a family member. And you know, look, there are people out there that don't deserve forgiveness. I think that we assume that because someone is a family member, that we have to tolerate their behavior, that we have to put up with it, that we have to forgive them. But depending on what they've done, we do not have to forgive people's terrible behavior. We don't have to put up with it and tolerate it at all, and we shouldn't. Otherwise, people will usually keep doing it. That's usually that's why my son keeps doing it, because I've tolerated it, because I kept thinking, oh, if I just stick with him, if I just love him so much, if I just keep loving him, if I just keep having hope, and I just keep trying to help him, he'll change. He'll change. But some people just don't change, unfortunately. Some people aren't built for change. They don't think they need to change. If they don't think they need to change, they certainly aren't going to change. So what are you supposed to do? It's really hard to not have a good relationship. It's just hard. Again, if this were some stranger, you know, that's fine. But when it's your family, when it's your son, it's just well, to say I don't sleep is an understatement. I mean, I had an endoscopy today because they're like, we think you have ulcers. And I am my stomach is in knots all the time. I don't sleep. I worry about him and who he is now and who he's going to be. I don't know if he's gonna be alive for how long he'll be alive if he keeps acting this way. I don't mean because I'm gonna do anything to him. I don't mean that. I'm just saying he just has an attitude and he's gonna say the wrong thing to the wrong person. That's what he doesn't get. He's always been around his family, and he thinks he can go around talking to people however he wants because he's only been around his family, and his family ends up forgiving him. But the minute he tries to behave the way he does with his family, to some stranger, to someone else, not gonna go well. He's absolutely going to get his ass beat, and I mean beat. He's going to be knocked down several pegs. People are not going to tolerate his behavior, and he thinks that he can get away with it because, again, he's always been around family that's tolerated it. So I wanted to do this podcast to talk about that, and I don't know if anyone can understand what I'm going through. I don't know if anyone's going through it or has gone through it with any family member of theirs, but it's been keeping me up, I'll tell you that. Certainly preventing me from sleeping. But on a positive note, thank you to every single person out there that's been listening to my podcast. Oh my gosh, you guys, I all of a sudden had a huge amount of people listening to my podcast lately. I cannot even tell you, I genuinely, genuinely mean this from the bottom of my heart. Thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I could use some good stuff right now. I really could use some positivity and seeing people listening to my podcast, seeing when another person has found my podcast, that just makes me that makes my whole heart happy. That makes me smile. And God knows we all need to smile more, right? I'm around two pooches that are sure happy. You can probably hear them gulping water right now. Sorry. But again, if you haven't listened to my podcast before, you're going to know that. Uh you need to know. You're gonna hear dogs in the background, you're gonna hear crickets, people, coyotes, trucks, um, birds, the wind. I wish I would have done a podcast last night and I wanted to because it was a major thunder and lightning strike. Um, or thunder and lightning storm, I meant to say. Okay, the dogs drinking in the background was getting obnoxious, so I did pause it for a bit because I'm sure you guys don't want to hear that. But the thunder and lightning yesterday was awesome. It lasted for hours, and I love it. I love, love, love a good thunder and lightning and rainstorm. It's fantastic. So that was pretty lovely, and I should have done a podcast, but my I had company, and um well, when you have company, you can't really be doing a podcast, right? Unless I have them on the show. But thank you, you guys. Honestly, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you to every single person who has been listening to my podcast from the very beginning, or if this is your very first time, thank you, and thank you to everybody in every country out there. And if you feel like it, if you want to, I'm not telling you what to do, I'm not bossing you around, but if you have some spare time and you feel like checking out my YouTube channel, Ramblings of an Insomniac, if you want to check out my TikTok or my Facebook page, well, hot damn, I would love it. I would support that. I would say, yes, please. If you want to tell your family members and your friends and your co-workers and your neighbors about my podcast and my social media platforms and check that, have them check it out. Well, I would be grateful. If I could thank every single one of you in per in person and shake your hand or give you a hug, I would. I really would. So thank you, thank you, thank you. Um, I hope you keep listening and you guys can email me and let me know the things you like about my podcast, maybe things that I could work on. I'm okay with constructive criticism. I want it to be constructive, I don't want it to be rude or disrespectful. But if you'd like to reach out, it's ramblingsof an insomniac 49. That's 4-9 at gmail. Ramblings of an insomniac 49. Again, that's 4-9 at gmail.com. Um, you can reach out and let me know what you think. So thank you, thank you, and I hope you guys are having honestly a lovely day, night, afternoon, whatever the case may be. I hope tomorrow you have the same. Remember to control the things you can let go of the rest. Just let it go. If you can't control it, if there's no solution, then focus on the things you have a solution for. Focus on the things you can control. Remember to breathe in through your nose, let it out through your mouth, and um try to smile, try to make someone else smile. It's always fun to make someone else laugh, you know? Especially someone might need it. You never know when someone's having a bad day. I could use a smile today, that's for sure. I could absolutely use it. You never know when someone's in the in need of a hug or a smile or you know, something. Just someone to be kind. They could use it. So thank you, thank you, thank you so much. I appreciate you guys. Until next time.